Conflict on the Spiritual Path Scott Shaw

It Takes Two to Tango:

Conflict on the Spiritual Path

Scott Shaw

When one thinks about the spiritual path, conflict is never the first thought that comes to mind. In fact, just the opposite. Conflict seems a distant concept to the spiritual practitioner. And, in many ways, this is true.

Conflict, however, is one of the defining elements of human life. And, though one may walk the spiritual path, they too must learn how to deal with it, in an appropriate and conscious manner, when it comes knocking upon their door.

Think about it, no one is free from conflict. Many of us have seen the smuggled out news footage of the violence unleashed against monks in Burma (Myanmar). And, we have heard the stories of what the Chinese military has done to Tibetan Buddhist monks and believers. I, myself, have see sadhus and yogis beaten by police in India. And, on a much smaller scale, I have seen spiritual brothers and sisters, in various states of physical and verbal conflict, at spiritual centers, here in the States. So, it is just a simple reality - we are human, there will be differences of opinions, there will be anger unleashed based upon a person's individual psychology, and there will be confrontations. It would be great if this wasn't the case but this is simply a fact of this world.

How then, should we, as spiritual people, handle these situations when they occur?

As each situation is defined by it own set of parameters, we can discuss a few examples, so that you can hopeful have some Thought-Tools about the various types of encounters, so that when you encounter a conflict situation, you may know best how to handle it.

The Spiritual Perspective
I remember I was in Southern India, Tamil Nadu to be exact, many years ago, and this one devotee was talking to me about what would happen if a person ever accosted him with a gun. He exclaimed, "Lord Shiva would simply make it disappear." As I was still very young, and the memories of my adolescence were close at hand, I could not help but question his reality.

Defined by the fact of where I grew up, my childhood and adolescence were highly defined by random, and ongoing, acts of violence. Due to the intensive gang activities of the neighborhoods of my youth, I frequently witnessed gangs beating up one person, killings, and even friends stabbing friends over the most meaningless disagreements.

You see, this is one of the primary problems of the spiritual path; it feeds people a lot of illusion(s) about the realities of life. Certainly, as someone who walks the spiritual, you are far less apt to attract confrontation and/or violence. Why? Because you are consciously living in a space of conflict avoidance. As the old saying goes, "You are what you eat." This being stated, as previously discussed, we have each seen and heard about monks being attacked. So, simply being holy is not enough to keep you from conflict.

Another key component of the spiritual path is the concept of, "Karma." When something bad happens, it is just written off as, "That was your karma."

This is all just ridiculous nonsense. It is simply a way to justify the random acts of life and place them into some context where they may be discussed and attributed to God or the ways of the world.

But, instead of simply buying into all of the justifications for conflict and applying inappropriate reasons for why things happen, we must learn to look at conflict from a new and more WHOLE perspective. From this, not only may certain conflicts be avoided but also the ones that do take place may be understood from a more conscious perspective.

People Are People
At the root of all conflict is the desire of an individual. All conflict is based upon the simple fact that a person wants a situation to happen in a specific manner. When it does not, they become upset. Some people are conscious enough to simply realize this fact and understand that the particular situation in question is not going to turn out the way that they hoped - they realize this, take note of it, and move on. Others, however, who live their life from a very unaware perspective and base their existence upon achieving their desired ends, by any means possible, will create conflict when things are not going their way.

Now, this happens on all different levels. For some when they are not happy with a particular situation's outcome, they become sad or depressed. Others become very hard to get along with. Some become angry and throw a fit. Others still, become violent.

Ultimately, you must understand that all of these individual reactions are a choice. It is you who chooses how to behave in any given situation. It is also you who chooses how to behave when someone is encountering you with a conflict-based mindset, based in the fact that his or her individual desires are not being met.

Anger
An example of this happened to me early into my immersion into the film industry - when I was creating one of my first feature films. I had invited this guy to come onboard and help me produce the movie. We had several cast and crew members at our downtown Los Angeles location.

Now, it must be understood, on a film set, there can be only one captain of the ship. Though you have people helping you on many levels, there can be only one guiding force or a project becomes convoluted.

On this day the shooting was progressing and we had planned to meet up with this one, non-actress, girl that my associate was infatuated with and wanted to put into the movie. Though I was happy to have her in the movie, I had a realization that due to time and location constraints we should wait until the next day to use her because I realized that we could shoot her character's scenes at a much better location. I explained this to him and he completely freaked out. He started yelling and screaming - which ultimately upset my cast.

One has to question, where does this kind of reaction come from? Because most people would not react like this. They would simply understand and readjust their thinking.

Where it comes from is a very childlike mind-space. A place where, as a child, this person learned that if he yelled and screamed long enough, he would get what he wanted. In fact, this type of behavior is very common. Many adults use it. And, in some cases they do get what they want. In other cases, like the one I am describing, this person's behavior simply made everyone one else ill at ease by his actions. But, it must be understood that in some cases that is exactly what a person wants - to take control over a situation by whatever means possible.

In regard to the film, ultimately, we did what I suggested. The movie was completed. And, the man realized that my choice of shooting the girl at a different location was, in fact, the best thing to do. But, the damage this type of behavior unleashed is never repaired.

By nature, I am a very forgiving person. So, this person vacillated in and out of my life for the next decade or so. Every now and then, however, I would see this same behavior emerging. Why? Because people are who they are.

People Are Who They Are
"People are who they are." This is one of the most important understandings to come to when studying the nature of conflict. There are certain people who avoid conflict. If you associate with them, your relationship will be relatively conflict free. Then, there are others who seek it out - for whatever reason. If you associate with them, there will be conflict. And then, there are those who exist somewhere in between these two polarities.

Each person has the choice to react to any situation in whichever way they want. This, "Choice," is based in so many elements: Biology, Sociology, and Psychology. How they were born, how they were raised, how they were indoctrinated into life, who they grew up around, what was their societal environment, etc., etc., etc.

This being stated, again, people are who they are. But, few ever choose to consciously define who they TRULY are. They simply exist in the body they were given and the mindset they were indoctrinated to believe is theirs. Few ever choose to truly define themselves as a complete person. Thereby, if they are locked in a mindset of, "Me," "That's what I want," or basing their existence upon generalized desire, they are at the heart of causing a conflicted world.

Friend or Foe
As I was speaking about the film industry, another revealing story about human nature affecting the realms of conflict comes to mind…

An amusing, interesting, and revealing situation occurred on one of my films.

One of my older college students, who had taken a couple of my classes and was very interested in working with me, continued to contact me. I finally gave in and let him come onto one of my sets.

On the first film he worked with on, he simply was the boom operator. The shoot was simply an afternoon gig and there were no problems. On my next film that he worked on, I let him shoot some of the scenes that I painstakingly set up, as he wanted to become a cinematographer. Again, no problem. On the third film, however, he had purchased a camera, had been practicing, and I allowed him to be one of the camera operators. The problems begin to arise when he decided that the movie was his production - which it was not. This was due to the fact that I allowed him to help me with casting.

Perhaps the most interesting element of this casting equation came into play when I found out that he was a professional drug dealer. I guess I should have known because several months earlier we had met at the American Film Market and he did one of those things where you shake hands and, as we did, he put some pot in my hand. I laughed and gave it back to him.

In any case, we were having a casting meeting at a Starbucks in Santa Monica, California, one afternoon. The funny thing was, he had also invited one of his buyers to the meeting place. When the buyer arrived, he literally went over into the nearby bushes to make his deal. Now, as amusing as this was to my production manager and myself, this was very uncool because if he had been arrested, that would have put my production manager and myself in the path of law enforcement for something we had nothing to do with it.

I overlooked this fact and continued on with the production. On the final day of principal photography this man, apparently attempting to demonstrate his immersion into the industry to his friends, had invited a guy on the set to help with boom operation - which was fine with me. The problem was, the guy was one of those wanta-be film industry types who have never done anything but think that they can do everything better than you. But, I just let his negative attitude go. He also invited a professional cameraman he had meet at the Apple Store. This professional cameraman had brought his own equipment. He asked if he could help with filming. "Of course," was my answer. Immediately, I saw this cameraman's prowess and put him into the primary camera position. This set the problems with ego into motions...

Combine this, with at the end of that day's shoot, a cast member asked me if I knew any one who sold pot.

Because I have long hair I guess everyone assumes I do drugs. I do not.

But, I referred him to the aforementioned student/cameraman. As drug dealers tend to be a very paranoid bunch, this set the man into a world of denial. Combine this was the fact that the guy held some false belief that I had sabotaged some hidden deal he had made with another of the cast members. And, all this set him into a rage. Luckily, he did not bring it up until the next day.

The next day, with principal photography complete, my father-in-law, who I was very close to, (as he was one of my best drink'n buddies), entered into the last stage of his life. He was dying from lung cancer. As I drove to be by his side, I get a phone call on my cel. I answer. I hear, "Mr. Zen…" My student then hangs up on me. But, instead of letting it go at that, he continues to leave me voice mail after voice mail, (on my separate voice mail/pager number), telling me what an asshole I am and making all kinds of threats against me. So, there I am, dealing with all of the emotions of watching my father-in-law slowing drifting from this world as my pager continues to buzz, fed by this man's irate and meaningless conflict based behavior. He also proceeds to call and tell all of my cast and crew members what a jerk I am. This, when I was the only person to ever attempt to give this guy a break in the industry and to help him out.

But, in Hollywood, and in life in general, people don't see things this way. They see themselves as the center of the universe and even if they possess minimal abilities, they expect to be treated like stars or they will create conflict. Furthermore, this is the way people who wish to instigate conflict behave. It is never enough for them to discuss their dissatisfaction solely with the particular person involved. Instead, they want to drag as many people, who could care less about the situation, into the matter as possible. From this, they gain some misplaced validity to an emotion that is based solely out of the desire(s) of their own ego.

Fight or Flight
As a lifelong martial artists, one of the most essential elements I have learned is that, just because you can kick a person's ass doesn't mean that you have to do it. And, this is one of the best definitions to hold onto when you are forced to deal with an individualized conflict like the one just described. Instead of getting in there and throwing punches, just realize the limited reality that the person who is causing the conflict is embracing. In other words, become more and rise above it and them. Because by descending to their level and beating them up, all you do is grant them a sense of validity for the way they are behaving.

How did I react to the aforementioned conflict? I just let it go. I made tape copies of the threats, passed them along to my attorney, in association with the facts about him being a drug dealer -- just in case this guy decided to follow up with any of them -- which I doubted he would. And, I moved on.

The moral of this story is that we each have the ability to realize who a person is and what is their individual personality. For example, the background of this guy was, this man was in his late forties/early fifties, single, never married, and taking courses at night. The reason I mention this is that this says a lot about his ultimate character development. It is important to note that an individual's character development is something that can clue you into possible upcoming problems with conflict. In addition, when we were out looking at equipment, he couldn't go into a certain camera store because he had a conflict with one of the employees. He also couldn't walk past this one restaurant because of a disagreement he had with a former friend who worked there, and so on. What was obvious is that he was a person constantly creating conflict; I observed this and yet, I overlooked it. So, it was my fault that I allowed him to cause conflict with me.

Now, this is one of the most essential details to realize about the reality of conflict - though you cannot protect yourself from every level of conflict, because life is too chaotic and uncertain to predict anything, what you can do is to not let a specific person who bases their life upon conflict into your realm of existence. When you see who a person is, and they are not living in a pure space, it is best to move along.

Though it sometimes takes time to realize a person's true personality, once you do, you must make a very conscious decision whether or not you are willing to let them into your life. By practicing this simple observation technique, you will save your life-time from a lot of unnecessary conflict.

Why Do They Do It?
The ultimate questions is why, do people, like the previous detailed individual, cause conflict. There is obviously a lot of reasons, but one of the primary ones is adrenaline. Adrenaline is an addictive hormone in our bodies. It accelerates our minds, our cardiovascular system, and provides us a sense of hyperawareness. It is a drug. And, just like any other drug, some people are able to take it, have some fun, and not get hooked on it. For others, this is not the case.

Some people find that in the midst of conflict their adrenaline is pumping. Though they do not make this happen, from a conscious perspective, none-the-less they come to crave this adrenaline and they discover that conflict is one of the primary sources of this drug. So, they create conflict to get high.

You Never See it Coming
One of the primary locations where conflict(s) occur, is in the workplace. Though I have never had a traditional job, for any length of time, I have heard story-after-story about how bosses and superiors berate their lower level employees and shift blame to them when it is not deserved. I have heard from so many people who tell me that the workplace is one of the primary points of life changing conflict.

Personally, I had an amusing situation happen to me when I was teaching a class on filmmaking for the University of California, Los Angeles, Extension department.

I had taught a class for U.C.L.A. Extension the previous semester. The class, itself, went well enough, and I believe the students came away with some new knowledge. In fact, one of the students became a friend and we ended up making a couple of movies together. During the class, however, I saw inside the true structure of U.C.L.A. Extension and witnessed how flawed it was.

An ideal example of this flawed system happened when we had our class shifted from the Westwood campus to the campus at Universal Studios. There, I was to teach my students about editing. We all arrived, pay the expensive parking fees, only to find out that the individual who ran these editing suits would not let us use the equipment. While we all stood there and listened, he called up the course coordinator, at the main U.C.L.A. campus, screaming at him about even allowing us to be there. In any case, after witnessing that, I swore I would never teach for U.C.L.A. Extension again.

The next semester rolled around, however, and they asked me to teach another class. Though I did not really want to do it, we all need to make a living. So, I accepted the offer.

The first day of the class I walk in and was overwhelmed. There were over forty students in a class that was specifically designed to be taught to no more than twenty. Then, I was hit with the next news. There was only going to be one camera to use in the class. What!

In the previous class I had taught for U.C.L.A. Extension, I had ten students and two cameras. With this, there was plenty of time for each student to get hands-on experience and get a true feel for filmmaking. In this new class, however, that was going to be impossible.

I complained to the program coordinator, who was this interesting lady from France. I am using the term, "Interesting," to be kind. This lady possessed one of those devil-may-care attitudes, as she was the boss, and emanated all of the all-knowing, power-fed arrogance, of her position.

After I expressed my doubts, she told me that I was a professional and I should be able to teach the class just fine. In other words, she completely dismissed any of my concerns about what the students would actually be receiving from the course. This, when they were paying in excess of one thousand dollars to take the course.

Another interesting caveat' is that U.C.L.A. Extension offers only a limited refund when a student drops a course. So, I knew there was going to be problems.

A few classes in, this very large, very gay female student, asks if she can bring her girl friend into the class. "Sure, why not." I should have known something was up...

In any case, she sits down in the front row, with her arm around her lover, occasionally giving her a kiss. Weird, for any class. But hey, I'm an opened minded guy...

About half way through the session, she erupts. There was this Armenian porn producer/gun dealer also in the class. Actually, a very nice guy. But, he was prone to speaking his mind. He said something. She exploded at him. She then exploded at me and everything went to hell. She stormed out of the room, hand-in-hand with her lover. I shook my head, smiled, and somewhat dismayed, attempted to carry on.

Who's Side Are You On?
The next day I get a call from the aforementioned French program coordinator. She tells me that the girl wanted out of the class. She wanted all of her money back. Plus, she still wanted the ability to film on the U.C.L.A. campus, with the promised camera. To achieve this end she had filed some kind of stupid misconduct charge against me for discussing the fact that there is nudity in the independent film industry. I mean, come on, who doesn't know that and hasn't seen it a millions times on the screen? Plus, she had her girlfriend to back up her charges. I realized that I had been sucked into the middle of a total set-up.

You see, this is one of the problems with modern life -- it doesn't matter if something is true or not, simply a person making the claim, has the potential to derail another person's life.

But, it was my fault, I should have seen it coming -- the high cost of the course, the too many students in one class, and only one camera. I should have walked away and not taught the class.

I explained to the program coordinator that this was at least partially her fault, as she overbooked the class to make as much money for the department as possible, and she did not provide me with the appropriate and promised equipment to teach the class correctly. Of course, she dismissed everything I said. Frustrated by not being heard, "That's it. I quit." I hung up the phone.

The next day I get a call from the head of the department. She put four of us on a conference call: herself, the program coordinator, the course coordinator, and myself.

I had never met her, as she was new to U.C.L.A., but she was actually a very nice person. I explained to her the situation, as the French program coordinator claimed to have not understood that there was any problems. Basically, it was so blatantly obvious, even to the head of the department, that she was simply trying to save her own ass. I continued to state my resolve to quit. But, the head of the department was so nice that I gave in and completed the class. The French program coordinator lied and kept her job. And I, of course, have chosen to never teach for that program again.

The U.C.L.A. powers-that-be blinked and gave in to the woman who threw the fit. She got her refund and got to shoot the final weekend of the course on the U.C.L.A. campus with a camera provided by the department. The false allegation against me were obviously dismissed. So, who won? And, what was gained by any of it?

Well, I believe she lost out, at least on the learning experience, because she did not learn all of the secrets of the independent film industry and independent film production that I taught the class -- which is why she signed up for the class in the first place - right? But, in the process she tarnished my reputation.

The ultimate question of any conflict is, "What do you gain and what do you lose?" Before you engage in any conflict, you have to ask yourself, "Why are you doing it? And, is any of it worth it?" Plus, if you instigate one of these situations, you have to ponder what kind of karma are you creating for yourself simply to get your own way and fulfill your own momentary desires. And, believe me, whatever you do, whatever selfish or self orientated actions you take, you are creating karma. If it is negative karma you are creating - if you are affecting the life of another person negatively, it will haunt your future development. So, you need to keep that in mind while making your life-choices.

But, back to the point, this is the primary problem with conflicts in general. As detailed, conflict is all based in a person's desires - as momentary as they may be. Think about it, how many of your desires have lasted for more than the moment they were felt? How much of any anger you have may have felt has lasted for more than the few moments it was experienced?

Emotions go by the wayside. This is simply a fact of life. What is felt today, will not be felt tomorrow. What you do with emotions, while they are being felt, is what defines you either as a conscious spiritual person or simply a person who bases their reality around the limited perceptions of personal desire and the world.

Moving On
The next semester I taught at Santa Monica College -- a much more laid back environment. In the first class of the session I was speaking to a student and she said, "I don't know how you can teach, everybody is always out to get the teacher." I smiled.

You see, this is life. There is going to be conflict and it is going to come at you from a direction you never expect. Conflict can happen, even when you are trying to do a good thing and a good job. Why? Because, people only care about themselves and their own momentary reality. And, they are willing to do whatever it takes to fulfill whatever desire they have in that moment. Plus, they could care less about what effect they are having on the life of another person.

As you now see, it even happens to me.

So, what is the answer? Just as with the examples I have given you - had I listened to my inner-voice, the conflict would never have occurred. Had I listened to my inner-voice and either not chosen to interact with a specific individual or allowed myself to be put in a less than ideal environment than I would not have gone through the experience. Furthermore, had I just walked away, once I could see that the situation was going South, then the ultimate conflict orientate outcome would not have occurred. So, the main point in avoiding conflict is you really have to trust your inner-voice and not put yourself in situations where a conflict is waiting to happen.

In the ring and on the chessboard, the first rule is to unleash a powerful offense. The basis for this is that you want to take your opponent out with a rapid and precise first-strike. Though few people who instigate conflict know this rule, this is what they are doing. They hope by creating a crisis that they will defeat their opponent before they even have the chance to compete. But, here is the secret to defending against this style of offense -- do not compete.
If you do not care about the outcome of a conflict, than how can you be dragged into it? If you do not care, you will not argue or fight to win. Just like with the previously discussed examples, the movies were being made with or without these problematic people. So, why would I care if they participated or not? It was out of my kindness that I offered them the opportunity to come on-board. Regarding the teaching assignment - I didn't want it anyway. I was the one offered the position, and I accepted it solely as a means of helping the students. So, if I never went back, who cares? Not me.

This is the mind-space you must live your life from. You must orchestrate your reality to live in a space of refined consciousness. You do what you do, and hopefully you can help some others in the process. But, never put yourself in a position where you must rely upon others. By living your life from this perspective you are free and you will never be drawn into a conflict.

People
People each have their own life, lifestyle, and psychological makeup. They each have the potential to come at you, cause conflict, and mess up your life in ways you never expected. This can easily derail anything you are working towards. So, you really have to be careful whom you bring into your life and where you place yourself in this Life-Space.

Trust your feeling and if you are getting weird vibes from a person, (or if a crew member is making drug deal during a casting meeting or a student brings her girlfriend to class and puts her arm around her), steer clear of them as they have the potential to mess up your life. Move away, move on. And, if you find yourself engulfed in a conflict situation, it is far better to nip-it-in-the-bud, close-it-out, and walk away before it ever has the potential for escalation.

Scott Shaw.com